Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sometimes I Dream

Sometimes I dream about my mother. I used to dream that she was dying, and I kept trying to get to her before she passed away. You know those kind of dreams, they go on and on, and make no sense at all. When I'd awaken from those dreams I would feel such relief. Relief that I was with her when she flew to the angels (one of my new favorite expressions), and that her suffering was over.

Sometimes I dream that Mom is still alive. We go shopping for makeup and perfume, or go buy See's Candy. We'll go eat lunch at T.G.I.F.'s or Nordstrom's Cafe. I also have dreams where I'm taking dinner to her, or sitting in their swing with Dad and Rick, listening to mourning doves coo in the quiet dimming of the day. Then I awake, and I realize that's she no longer lives on Earth, and I cry.

I'm okay with crying. Now is my time to mourn. I really miss Mom a lot. I feel so lucky that there was someone in my life that I loved so much, it broke my heart when she had to leave me. Isn't love wonderful? I have so many people who claim my heart, I cannot believe how lucky I really am.
One night I dreamt that I had flown to the angels. In the far distance I saw my sweet mother, (yes, I realize how cheesy this sounds. but I can't help what I dream) and we ran toward each other. My steps were light as air and we embraced with an indescribable joy. We were equals, the same age, perfectly healthy. I could look in to her soul and she could look in to mine. We communicated without words the wondrous love that we shared together. Then she took my hand, to lead me to where she lives now.

I was sad that whole day because the dream was so spectacular. It will be quite some time before my mother and I are able to embrace again. So I have to let that dream wait for a while. I have to make new dreams. Now I'm dreaming of the future. Horseback rides with friends and family, a trip to see the ocean, watching my daughters marry and have their own children, and growing old with Rick.

For now, I am in a peaceful state of mourning. And sometimes, I dream.

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